daily journal

Fifty:

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You know how people say there’s a season for everything? Mine happens to be a recurring season, but a season nonetheless. Depression. It’s a doosey. But it comes and goes without warning and all of the sudden I start to feel like myself again.

It’s not gone, at least not for long anyways. But as I feel the heavy waves creeping up on me, I’ll figure out how to keep moving on and clawing my way through it because I control this life of mine, not the little dark cloud that’s really pushy and manipulative and can sometimes trick me into thinking it’s in control.

daily journal

Forty eight:

I don’t know how to make the sad go away. But I thank God every chance I get for sending me these two people who love me and quite literally save me, every day.

Depression hurts like hell. But because of them,  I know I will live through this, even though it feels like it could kill me.

Ive got to keep talking and writing and reading and playing and living because if I stop, I will get swallowed up whole.

daily journal

Forty seven:

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I saw this quote on Facebook today and I’m sure it’s because I was meant to.

People can be mean. People can spread lies and  say hurtful things and try to tear you down and try to discredit or invalidate you. They can and they will.

It’s hard to lay on the hypothetical floor after a beating and ever want to get back up again. It’s hard, once you DO get back up again, to want to ever raise your voice again. To keep fighting for truth or for freedom from the cycles we get caught in.

Its hard because it’s scary and it’s messy and it’s complicated and it can hurt.

But we have GOT TO “show up anyways”.

So here I am…

daily journal

Back on the wagon:

Depression is real, ya’ll. Ive been in a dark hole.

But Im going to work on getting back to writing about all my blessings because I have been abundantly blessed in this life, my cup runneth over.

And I’m not going to let a little dark cloud and some people with sharp tongues stop me from enjoying this beauty of a world I get to live in.

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daily journal

forty three.

 

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I don’t have a lot to say today, I’ll be honest. It’s not that it was a bad day, it’s just that I’m so sleepy. I feel like I’ve been getting a full on work out all day just from trying to get around with one foot and some crutches! 😂

But I just want to say, God is there. He is, and He loves us. Don’t be afraid to talk to Him once in a while.

Goodnight. Sleep tight.

daily journal

forty one.

Here’s the thing. I believe in angels. I don’t know about you… but I do, especially after tonight. 

I legitimately snapped my ankle falling down the stairs. I heard the snap, I immediately dropped, falling the other few stairs and crashed into my record cabinet. Jon was up and by my side it seemed like the instant I landed. My whole foot was laying flat on its side and Jon had already made his way up the stairs to grab me some clothes and get Edyn in the car to rush me to the doctor and he yelled from upstairs and asked me if I could move it. I cried back “no way in HELL”. I’ve had broken bones before so I was cautiously trying to gage the pain to know for sure but I knew it that instant… “it’s broken”, and I was positive. But then I felt the need to try… “just try to move it a little”, I thought. So I did and I felt another pop and then the pain was gone, instantly. I assumed once the adrenaline let up there would be some residual pain but I’m not even joking when I say there’s no way, with the way I fell, the way it looked and the pain I was experiencing that my ankle could somehow NOT be broken unless there was some divine intervention.

That was intense. Jon and I just sat on the floor laughing and crying at the same time because WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED??

Oh my lands. Anyways- in other news, I got to snuggle a little baby today at work so whatever bad things happened today don’t really count because when you hold little babies, their magic little infant dust makes you only remember the good.

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Also- this picture breaks my heart and mends it and breaks it again and then it just fills up so full that it bursts. This picture EXACTLY sums up what I see when I look at them. When he is there, she is safe. WE (her and I) are safe because he loves us that much. What a guy I tricked into loving me but my gosh, I wouldn’t give either of these two up for the whole universe.

Goodnight everyone. Fall asleep tonight thinking about someone you love, whomever that may be, and knowing that whomever you and are wherever you may be… you are loved, too.

P.S. that residual pain I mentioned earlier… it’s real. But I’ll take that over a broken bone ANY DAY.