I will never reach a point in my life where I sit back in the recliner, sigh a deep girth-y sigh and say that I’ve got it figured out. Life and everything, just figured out. Nope, my life story doesn’t play out like that, nor do I think the vast majority of life stories end up like that without some extra special dose of delusion.
I know this as fact. Yet I continue to just obliterate any self esteem I might have scraped up on the DAILY because I have not yet reached this insurmountable, unattainable position.
I do this to myself.
HOWEVER, if I flip backwards through the pages of my life story, I see something wholly and completely different than what is being written on my pages today. Today and always, I am a work in project, gratefully welcoming into my life a new “how to” for myself and for my relationship with the people I am surrounded with; that includes strangers and faces I have to become acquainted with.
Just like I stated in my previous entry….taking care of yourself and ridding yourself of negativity, that which comes from yourself and that which comes from people outside of yourself, recognizing that not everyone wants what you have to offer but still continuing to offer it anyways, I mean….that’s a freeing feeling. It’s freeing, but it’s scary.
It feels like figuring out who you are. What your bones are made of. It’s not by accident necessarily but it definitely wasn’t on purpose. Like you didn’t mean to trip and fall down that giant cliff and bang your head on every rock on the way down and end up plunging into the ocean. But somehow, after the fall and after the plunge, you resurface and take that first breath in and it’s kind of like “Well…sh**. That just happened.”
And guess what? You totally made it out alive. You’re still breathing, right? You have a lot of bumps and bruises and some of your bones may be in places that the natural human anatomy wouldn’t allow…but you’re here.
You are now in a different place, a new space to soak up, a new environment to lean into and grow from. You’re here.
And that’s kind of how it’s been for me. I thought that where I was, was where I would reside for the rest of my time here on this earth. I was in pain, I was in darkness, but I figured it was just what was in the cards for me. It just was what it was and it was nothing I could do anything about. So I walked along my muddy, slippery, dark path. A path that was littered with broken branches and sharp rocks and loneliness to the absolute core.
One day, as I trudged through the muck, I slipped. Rather than falling straight back onto my you-know-what, the slip propelled me forward and then downward and all of the sudden before I had the chance to get a grip on what was happening, there I was, tumbling down a steep slope. I hit every rock, my face found every tumbleweed, I flipped and flopped and whacked my way down the hill and plummeted straight into vast, deep, ice cold ocean. I landed in what I assumed would just be my final doom. But to my surprise, to my wonderful surprise, I rose up. I reached the surface, I took a breath in and said “Well…sh**. That just happened.”
And then I looked around, I took in my surroundings, and guess what? I’m still here, still breathing. I’m in this beautiful blue ocean filled with mystery and maybe some danger but I’m here and I’m not running. I’m going to explore and soak in all that this new space has for me and when (not if) I find that undercurrent that takes me and drags me through to the next space, I will still be here. I will still be breathing. Knock me down, come what may, I. will. still. be. here.
Swim with me.