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What I’m Wondering…

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I have this habit of being a recluse. I stay inside myself and don’t let myself show. My sense of humor, my habits, my hobbies; I keep them to myself until I get to know someone. Until I’m sure they’re not going to leave. But the problem with that, is that in order to have that kind of relationship with someone, a real, honest relationship, you have to show those parts of yourself.

I often feel that who I am and what I have to offer isn’t good enough. I have to perfect these parts of myself before I lay them out on display because, after all, that is much too vulnerable a position to voluntarily present. But, that’s really quite unfair to myself.

Though, as I call to mind the matters of the ever-so-tormenting past, I realize I have often surrounded myself with people who preferred my silence and fruitless existence over supporting me through any meager attempt at success, because, well, maybe I would have realized my worth much sooner. And maybe, I would have been smart enough to leave them in the dust before I let them strip me of any self-confidence I might have had.

It’s not a bad thing to be proud of yourself and it’s not a bad thing to open yourself to be receptive to someone else’s know-how. I’m a 26 year old wife and mother and I’m still learning how to have these curious things called “relationships” with other “people”.

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