Motherhood can make me feel a lot of things. I can feel both beautiful, and like a train wreck. Most often it’s a train wreck.
I fear I’m doing it all wrong, I fear I’m going to get a bill for her therapist one day when she’s all grown up, I fear I’m not doing enough to make her feel brave and important. I fear she will come to me one day and tell me I could have loved her better, that I could have done more for her. This is all truth. I think it comes with parenthood though because I know I’m not alone in these fears. I know im not the only one who can lay awake at night and run through everything that day, that week, that year that I wish I could take back or do differently.
I used to hear people say that becoming a parent would teach you a lot. Teach what though? Patience? Forgiveness? How to cut food into tiny bits?
Yes its teaching me patience, yes it’s teaching me forgiveness and kindness and selflessness. It’s a bumpy road but I’m on it, at least.
But it’s not BEING a mom that has taught me the most. It’s being HER mom. SHE has taught me to be brave. SHE has taught me to not take myself (or life) too seriously. SHE has taught me to be wild again.
We went to the lake today to kill some time and give me a chance to become more familiar with my photography and the style and direction I want to take this creative outlet of mine, and in true Edyn fashion, she wanted to use my camera BY HERSELF. And while I don’t exactly trust a (sometimes) clumsy tot with expensive equipment, I did let her have my phone to take as many pictures as she wanted, of whatever she wanted.
I told her to find something she found beautiful and take a picture to treasure the memory forever.
What she did changed my heart forever. She took a few steps back and said “dance, mommy, I’ll take a beautiful picture“.
I don’t always feel beautiful. I don’t always feel strong. I definitely don’t always feel like I’m the best I can be for her, but in that moment when I was trying to teach her that there’s emotions connected to the beauty we see in the world, she let me know, in the most gentle and tender way, that she associates beauty with me. I have never felt more beautiful or loved.