“Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Shadows will scream that your alone. But I know, we’ve made it this far.”
It’s the moments in our lives where we can’t breathe that seem to define us. They take over, they demand attention, they steal our sanity and break our hearts. Call it whatever you want, name it if you have to, but I swear to you, you have to acknowledge it. You can’t ignore it, because ignoring it allows it to grow, to fester.
A second heartbeat starts to form, but it’s not our own. It’s the darkness that laid dormant for long enough that once it made it’s appearance, people began to think that suddenly you’ve changed, that now there’s something wrong with you.
I know it, I feel it, I’ve heard it before.
You walk, you run, you drive, you escape. You need to be away from everyone else. Music becomes medicine. You close your eyes and bump up the volume.
The melody moves through your body, tracing and rewriting the sadness that fills your veins. The words, echoing through your ears, replace the ones stuck on repeat inside your head.
For the moment, you can breathe. For the moment, you’re ok with being alone, all by yourself, with all that you are.
You need this like I need this. I can see it in you because it radiates inside myself.
Though the silence is dangerous, the alone time has become necessary.
It’s. Going. To be. OK.
You’re not broken, you’re not alone. You and I, we just have different wiring. We run off of different fuel. And they will never get it, their molds don’t hold the same coding, they can’t be programmed to pick up on our signals.
They won’t be able to find us if we are lost.
But we can’t blame them for that.
Give yourself time, allow yourself to break, allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to accept the ever so frustrating and unavoidable fact that sometimes, you just don’t feel like yourself, and often times, that stranger inside of us becomes so familiar that we forget who we were before the intrusion.
We forget what we are made of. It’s easy for us to do that.
We feel insignificant, everyone else is having more fun, they’re in more control, they’re so much happier. Why can’t we be happy???
Hold on to whatever it is you have to. Hold on for dear life. You are loved, my gosh you are loved.