I gave in. I threw in the towel. I called it quits. I…can’t think of another way to put it. My brain demons kind of got the best of me and I willingly resigned my efforts to the oh-so-controversial (at least unto myself) anxiety medication.
It just became too much, yanno? My better half has always supported me in trying to overcome the beast on my own, but I’m sure even he knew I was getting tired. He just, he gets me.
I don’t want to feel like a zombie. And I’m so over feeling like I can’t complete a single thought without a panic attack dipping it’s toe in the fluid surrounding my brain just waiting, taunting. I just want to know what it feels like to feel, dare I say it? Normal. I don’t know what the result will be, I don’t. I’m only on day two. Today I’m calm. Extremely calm. Not sure if this is what normal feels like… I don’t really have anything to gauge that so, here’s to a new journey, I guess!
Also, if we could jog back to the “my better half” topic, for just a moment.
I can honestly say, without any doubt, that I have never met a better person than the one I get to call mine for all of eternity. He truly is, so genuine and so caring and it melts my heart and makes me want to bury my head at the same time. He makes me ashamed of the person I can be at times, in the best way. If that makes sense. He challenges me to look at how I treat this world, without even knowing it.
The way he can talk to a man without a home, in the parking lot of his job, for 20 minutes , and convince him to take a look at his life and to search for God, is impressive in ways that I can’t explain. When I would avert my eyes so as to not grab the attention of a man who will potentially, or most likely, ask me for money…Jon is focused on making sure that he has some clean water to drink and offering him a sliver of hope in the form of his own testimony and journey in recovery.
I don’t know how he does it.
The world needs more Jon’s.