“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood – finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”
― Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match
The conversation has arrived. It’s not just a passing thought anymore, but now it’s time and a decision has to be made. I love nothing more than being a mother. I look at her and I see every bit of beauty that I thought this world lacked. I watch her and I can feel the blood pumping through my heart with a little more purpose. I hold her and every bit of my being is home.
And now, we’re discussing having another. And for a long time I would cry at the thought of ever having to wait. “Oh, I want to have another one so bad!” I would say, “we just need to wait for the new insurance policy to kick in.” Or, “Oh I can’t wait another second to be pregnant again! But I have to wait until my laser course is finished.” (Because you can’t perform laser whilst pregnant.)
For so long there were so many reasons we HAD to wait, but now that there’s nothing, now that all of the “but’s” have disappeared and we are faced with the choice to grow our family…I’m so scared.
Being a mom is hard sometimes. Not just because there’s tantrums and potty training accidents and not getting the adequate amount of sleep you crave…but because it’s SCARY. If it were physically possible, she would literally be the holder of my heart. THAT’S how much I love her. I stay awake at night because I am sure that I’m failing. I wake up from a deep slumber in sheer panic because this world is too dangerous for her to live in. I can’t think straight because I know that everything I’m doing is shaping her existence, her future. Am I just screwing everything up? Is she going to grow up to hate me and resent every memory she ever had of us?? I mean these are REAL THOUGHTS, man.
I don’t know if I’m doing right by her. I don’t know if I’ve damaged her. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for her. I JUST DON’T KNOW.
And then to add another one on top of it all? Is that selfish? Is it better for them to stay peaceful little spirits awaiting my arrival into the next life? Am I actually crazy?!